(banging on door)
(distant siren)
(banging on door)
(groans)
(clattering)
- Hey, Helen. - Stacy never came home.
You've got a wild one on your hands.
- You didn't run into her at the Boiler Room? - No, l never saw her tonight.
- What's that? - l picked it up at that estate auction.
l think it's a Jamacoaque from Ecuador. About 500AD.
Some minor demon, like Abraxas or Forcas.
- Whatever. - Don't stress out about Stacy.
She probably went to another party and passed out on a couch.
- What if something happened to her? - l'm sure she's fine.
l'm waiting a few more hours then l'm going to the police.
- Who was that? - Your girlfriend.
(laughs)
- Hey. What are you doing here? - l live here.
- l thought you had practice. - Randy's taking it.
l'm trying to map out a study schedule for Trish.
lf she doesn't pass Physics, she can't compete in the Pac-Tens.
- Wow! You look fantastic. - Really?
- Where are you going? - Just to The Planet.
l'm gonna go writing and... change of environment, so...
- See you later. - You know what?
That's a great idea. l'm gonna come with you.
l gotta get out of the house.
lt's nothing to be ashamed of.
- lt happens, Dana. - lt's never happened to me.
lt's a perfectly natural thing.
lt doesn't change the way l feel about you
or how much pleasure you gave me.
(meowing)
- Eugh! What is that? - Sandwich. Want some?
Pass.
Bye, hon... Oh. That is disgusting.
- Bye, babe. - Bye.
♪ See people hanging out
♪ Talking about what there is to talk about
♪ Downside out
♪ There's love to give and love to get
♪ l loved you and you got away
♪ Upside down
♪ And we can find a place within this world
♪ To build a home and live a life
♪ And we can breathe the air within this world
♪ And dream of being the thing afar ♪
l'll be right back.
l can't believe you can buy these things in bulk.
l'd have more respect for that box if it had more honest pictures,
like a sobbing, infertile woman with a negative test stick in her hand.
And on the other side a teenage girl with a positive one, about to hang herself.
(muffled song)
- How do you not pee on your hand? - Aim below the clit.
- Oh, really? - Where did you think pee came out of?
l don't know. There's a lot going on down there.
This is my tenth early-pregnancy test.
l used to think you could get pregnant from giving a guy a blow job.
Or through your pants.
Or touching the handle of the boys' bathroom.
- You sure you wanna go back to men? - l'm positive.
l've had enough drama and women are fucking crazy.
- And men are boring. - Bring it on.
l could use a little nice, uncomplicated,
boring, boy-girl sex masquerading as love. That's fine with me.
♪ And smiles that make you cry
♪ And you can find a place within this world
♪ To build a home ♪
(breathe heavily)
♪ Here you are ♪
- Jen? - Tim?
- You all right? - Yeah. l'm good.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Yeah. Hey.
l hate these unisex bathrooms.
lt's shocking to hear a man's voice
and they pee everywhere. lt's just... completely gross.
l'll try and be considerate.
♪ You can find a place ♪
lt makes me sick what this administration is doing to our environment.
Oh, my God! Tina...
- lt's positive! - What?
Oh, my... Oh, my God! l'm pregnant.
(laugh and shriek)
- l'm pregnant! Oh, my... - You did it! l'm so happy for you.
Look, l'm a cliché! l'm sitting here stuffing my face!
- Hey, guys. - God, you scared me. Kit, come here.
- Tina's pregnant. - We just found out this second.
- Look! - Wow! Oh, wow!
Oh! Oh, l... l'm so happy for you. This is great!
This is really good. Does Bette know?
l have to run these study plans over to Trish.
- OK. Have fun. - (phone rings)
Hello? Oh, hey.
No. No, she didn't mention that.
Really? Yeah. Well, anyway
you probably wanna talk to Jenny.
(whispers) The great Nick Barashkov.
- You sure you want this? - Give me the phone.
Hello? Hi. How are you?
Guess what? l killed Sarah Shuster.
- (laughs) - You promise?
- You know l promise. - l'm not worried about you.
l won't tell Bette we knew before she knew.
You're gonna have to be so good. You can't have any more fun.
l know. No red meat, no additives.
No margaritas, wine, beer. No Xanax, however stressed out l get.
No more smack, no more crack and no more blow.
l wanna do everything right. l'm gonna be as together as Bette is for work.
We're gonna have a family.
Oh, my God!
Well, l have to go. So l'll talk to you later.
Lips are sealed. Promise.
Tina, the reason l came is Bette told me there was a letter for me.
Oh! Yeah, that's right. l'm sorry.
lt's from David.
You OK?
Wow, l... Yeah, l haven't heard from him in five years.
OK. Oh, you and Bette are gonna be great parents!
- Thanks, baby. - Go call her before you explode!
(Jenny) l was completely numb-fucked so l decided she needed to go.
Oh, Nick, of course l value your opinion.
You were the first.
You are? OK.
Yes, l would love to. l would absolutely love to.
You have a tan? Do you look like George Hamilton?
- l understand your concerns. - The Bill Viola went to Seattle.
Tina is still on line three.
Yes, great talking to you, too. OK. All right, bye.
- Baby, l cannot talk right now. - l'll make it really quick.
- Promise you'll come home for dinner. - lt's gonna be a tough one to swing.
lt's important. l'll take care of you. l'll make it all better.
You can only do that if you come up with a show for my gaping spring slot.
- Sheldon Tomlin's on two. - Fuck him!
Baby, l can't talk right now. l will try tonight. OK?
- OK. Try. - OK. Bye.
(sighs)
Sheldon! Thank you so much for calling me back.
Y... No, it's true. MOCA's a big institution, it's hard to compete.
Look, the reason that l was calling you...
You're about to hear the sound of me eating my words.
Sheldon, l would like to book lmpressions ln Winter
and l hope that you don't hold it against me that...
Franklin didn't tell me anything.
That is absolutely not true. No, the CAC is not in turmoil.
No. Of course.
And nothing personal on my part, either.
- OK. Bye. - Franklin heading this way.
God damn it! Does it ever fucking stop?
- ls she in? - Uh, no, not yet.
Tell her the board is convening for an unscheduled meeting tomorrow evening.
- She would be well advised to attend. - What are you doing, talking to my door?
lt's my Bernard Riddle meeting. He's got $500,000 to lay on a museum in Los Angeles
- doing anything remotely progressive. - He's way out of your league.
He may be out of the CAC's league, but he's certainly not out of mine.
OK. You guys, l just saw the cutest guy l've ever seen in my life.
- What? - l don't wanna talk about it.
What? Has something happened with you and Lara?
- No, l'm just never having sex again. - Easy, Dana, come on.
l've never been more humiliated or ashamed of anything in my entire life.
- Did she tie you up and leave you? - No, nothing like that.
OK. l have a friend, she went down on a girl and she sneezed. ls that it?
- Gross. - lt wasn't me, it was a friend.
So, what? God, you're killing me.
- Did you queef? - Did l w...?
l don't even know what that is. ls that...?
ls that what happened? She female-ejaculated.
Well, Miss Dana! This Lara must be a killer in bed, huh?
Yeah. Yeah! Yeah, she... That's a good thing?
Dana! Women strive for this.
They read books about the G-spot, they go to workshops.
You should be totally and utterly ecstatic.
There he is. Tell me he's not the cutest guy ever.
- Oh, Lise! - She?
Hey, how you doing? How are you?
These are my friends. This is Alice and this is Dana. Guys, this is Lisa.
- Hi. - That's Lisa.
- (mobile rings) - Oh, shit. Oh, God, it's my mother.
Hello, Mother. You're in LA? Where are you?
- Who is that? - Uh-uh. Forget it, man.
- Are you sure? - Yeah. She...
- She doesn't wanna be a lesbian any more. - Since when?
She was dating one of those hot-and-cold chicks
and... she got her heart completely busted.
No. l... OK... l can't come because l have to go to work in a half an hour.
lt's a shame. But it's no reason to swear off being a lesbian.
- l agree. - Maybe l can change her mind.
Wait. l don't know if you've noticed, but you're a guy.
- Lisa's a lesbian. - l'm a lesbian-identified man.
l know.
(Shane laughs)
OK, well, my mom's at the Plaza and she's been here for five fucking days.
- Tell her l said hi. - ls she still with that stunt guy?
- Ask her. - Bye, Alice.
Bye.
- lt's my mom, she's... (whistles) - l totally understand.
- OK, guys, l'll see you later. - Bye, Al.
Sweetie! l was planning on calling you tomorrow.
lt's been so crazy. l'm here for the new Gerard Lichtman film
and he's been so demanding of my time.
- He has five poodles! - Gerard Lichtman. Really?
Yeah. They haven't set up their production offices yet.
Their financing is coming from some Australian beer conglomerate
so l'm covering the hotel myself,
but l'm having a slight cash-flow problem and this manager is being a total dick.
Excuse me, l'm a huge fan of Dynasty. How l loved you as Alexis!
Thank you. Actually, l was Blair in Empire Falls.
- Moron. - Mom, what do you want?
Please can't you talk to him for me? He's exhausted me.
OK. All right. Stay here.
l'll take care of this.
(keys in phone number)
- All her cards were declined? - l'm afraid so.
We have to collect. She's over our limit.
She'll have it soon. She's here to be in a Gerard Lichtman film.
Really? l loved Blau Nacht. lt should've won the Oscar.
Sometimes they start payroll after production's started.
You guys deal with celebrities all the time so...
l know, but... she's at our limit.
Right.
l can take care of this. lt's not a problem. So, what are we looking at?
l have a print-out of the bill. The total comes to $5,968.42.
- l'm sorry, you said... - $5,968.42.
- Dollars? - Cash or credit card?
How could anybody spend $5,000 on a hotel room?
The suite is $950 a night. She was here for five days.
There was room service and l believe she made a few phone calls.
Right.
Oh... Mother.
Obviously l'm good for the money. l'm not some sort of con artist.
As soon as this job comes through, send me the bill.
You could always hawk those pants.
Aren't they great?
Are you being sarcastic?
(television) Waiting for the call. And he's off. There we go.
(sports commentators talk)
Oh...
- So, Nick is in town, huh? - Mm-hm.
lt's the MLA convention. l told him that we were getting married.
And you know what he said? ''Congratulations.''
- Really? - You know what?
Nick Barashkov is, like, this pretentious asshole
who milks his minor literary stature
by fucking these impressionable young undergrads.
OK? You have to give me some more credit. Please?
(clears throat)
The men's slalom is on. l've been waiting all night for this.
Oh, l'm sorry. Yeah, OK.
Come on.
(commentary continues)
(panting)
Where are you?
- l'm right here. - You look like you're someplace else.
No, no. l'm right here.
- Really? - Yeah. Come here. lt's OK.
(moans)
- (♪ soft guitar) - (sighs)
l am fucking dying out there.
These Philistines are just breaking my...
No. Tina...
You invited someone to dinner?
The last thing on earth l wanna do is to have to make conv...
(whispers) l love you. l love you. l love you. l love you.
l love you. l love you.
l called Dr Wilson. She said l should come in tomorrow for an ultrasound.
Just to confirm the result.
l am sorry l was such an asshole.
l'm sorry you had such a bad day.
- l'm sure everything is gonna be OK. - l'm sure it will.
- We're gonna have our baby. - We are. We are.
- l love you. - l love you, too.
You good with your mama, you good all over.
Just give me a triple shot.
You guys, my mother's living with me until her job starts and that's not fun.
What's with Mopey Pants? Dana? Are you having embarrassing multiple orgasms now?
No. lt's just that Lara hasn't called me.
- And it's been... lt's been 21 hours. - Well, how did you leave it?
- l just left. - From your own apartment?
l was really embarrassed, Alice!
James, l don't think they're gonna do that.
lf they do, l'll make some calls and give you an amazing recommendation, OK?
- l like your scarf. - This is for the baby. l made it just for you.
All right, l know. OK. l was excited and... Congratulations.
lt's so amazing. Congrats.
Wait. Why is everybody congratulating you guys?
Tina's having a baby.
Oh, my God. Congratulations! Wow!
- Why am l always the last to know? - That's OK, Dana. l was second to last.
Check it out.
(whispers) This is where you take the flower.
Come here. l'm sorry.
God.
- So fucking cute. - Yuck.
You could have waited until she left to do the pregnancy test.
l'm surprised that you didn't invite her to come with us for the ultrasound.
l'm sorry.
l know how stressed you are. l'm trying to leave you alone.
But sometimes l need someone to share a moment with. ls that so wrong?
No. lt's sad.
All right, ladies, let's keep it moving!
Sorry. l had to beg Durst to make up my Physics exam.
Trish, you don't come on time, don't bother coming.
You're a grown-up, right? Take some responsibility.
All these women are in the water already. Go on.
What are you doing? Get her in the water.
Randy, we can't let her set her own schedule.
Trish! Get back here.
Go get her.
Trish...
(mobile buzzes)
What?
ls that what you called to tell me? l can't hear that now.
- Are you ready? - Bye.
So we'll just apply a little bit of lubricant here.
And here we go.
Comfortable?
All right.
So, there's your left ovary.
That looks like it would have been a follicle.
And there, you see that little heartbeat?
- ls that our baby? - (Dr Wilson) That's your baby.
(whispers) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Left on Third.
Gerard is insisting on spending the entire afternoon with me.
Last time l saw him we talked about everything!
Films that inspired him as a child in Berlin. My divorce.
lt was as if we'd known each other for years.
- Left! Left! - Mom!
- l know how to get to Pico! - Oh, God...
We wouldn't have been late if you hadn't spent 50 minutes in the bathroom.
- Do l look OK? - You look good. You look great.
You do. You really do.
You could take a little more time with your face. You might have a girlfriend by now.
(horn)
- Asshole! Jesus! - Motherfucker! God!
- Knock him dead, Mom. - Don't worry so much.
You're getting this big wrinkle. You're starting to look like Ernest Borgnine.
(man) l'm not leaving the car. You go into those woods...
(woman screams)
(women's voices)
- Sign in at the front desk. - What is this?
lt's an open call for the part of Miss Simons, alien 1 , 2 and 3 and Ted's grandmother.
Curse Of The Romalians, Return to Gondor, Part 2. ls this a Lichtman film?
Gerard Lichtman, the German director?
The director is Matt Fried. He's 22 and he's from Pasadena.
Plus he's a total asshole.
(chatter)
(rehearsing lines)
- Hey, man, can l talk to you a second? - About what? Trish?
Yeah. Trish needs support. She doesn't need to be chewed out in front of the team.
Well, l don't, either. l'm just trying to do my job.
You're right. Sorry l was harsh out there but this is the reality of our situation:
without Trish Peverell, we shouldn't bother showing up next week.
On that note, l got a hold of the Physics mid-term she's gonna take on Monday.
l'm not turning that test over to Trish.
Relax. No one is talking about cheating.
l'm talking about giving you the test so that you know how to tutor her. That's all.
Come on.
You are a tense man right now, you know that?
Why don't we get some beers, chill out a bit? lt's on me.
- l can't. - You and Jenny got plans?
No. Jenny's going out to dinner with one of her old professors.
Oh! Wait. Not the blow-job one? The one she wrote that story about?
You're letting your fiancée go out with a dude whose dick's been in her mouth?
Don't fucking say that!
- l don't own her. She's her own woman. - No, she's not.
Not since she put that ring on her finger.
- Man, you have got to put your foot down. - No.
- The caveman thing, it's not my style. - This is about trust. Pure and simple.
You don't trust her, you don't marry her.
l'm sorry to sound so harsh, man, but those are the rules of the game.
l trust her. OK?
Yeah. Talk to you later, all right?
Have a seat.
l'll forgo the blindfold.
(throats clearing)
As you're aware, the position of director of this museum
involves more than pulling collections out of hats. lt involves image, relationships.
Tell me what you thought of my story.
- l'm flattered that you value my opinion. - Of course l value your opinion.
You're the most brilliant, wonderfully smart editor that l've ever had.
- What d'you think of the tie? - lt's fucking sleazy.
Excellent. Well, your story, if you really want to know...
- l do. - ..l thought was utter bullshit.
l mean, beautifully written; you always write exquisitely, but...
- ..you know, swans? - They mate for life.
And they have brains the size of ping-pong balls.
Where's your edge? Where's your nihilistic passion?
Where's the girl that masturbated in church?
l mean... ''And he would have died for her and she would have died for him.''
- What's that about? - lt's about fucking commitment.
Really? lt reads like spackle.
lf this is meant as a wedding present, l'd keep it between you and him.
Because you're more complex than this.
What did you think just then? Where did you go?
Nowhere.
- You're obfuscating. - (whispers) Nothing.
Listen, Jennifer. Commitment is dreary.
lt's not your thing.
You have to... dig deeper.
Tell me something interesting.
l've been doing these really terrible things.
(Peggy Peabody) Where the hell is the director's office?
This is like a goddamn labyrinth. Any moment l might run into the Minotaur.
- Hi. Can l help you? - Yes.
Well, you certainly look like a capable young man, which is fortunate.
l need to find Bette Porter or Xandra Rosenman.
- They're in a meeting. - ln there? Oh, good.
Take that for a moment, please. Get them water.
That's a board of directors' meeting, ma'am.
Get your hand off me if you wanna go on living and breathing.
Peggy Peabody! What are you doing here?
- Peggy? - Xandra, l got your call.
What is this about Franklin firing Bette Porter?
Let me just say, Franklin, and anyone else who may be involved in this little cabal:
if you fire Bette Porter,
l'll have to reconsider lending my collection to the CAC.
She is the most qualified person in Los Angeles
to preside over an exhibit like Provocations.
- l thought it was going to MOCA. - Well, it's not.
lt's going to your up-and-coming museum.
But only on one condition.
Ms Porter, l'll need a guarantee from you that you will remain with the CAC
- at least until Provocations moves on. - l'm not in a position to...
Ms Porter has six months remaining on her contract.
We have every intention of honouring it, despite what you may have heard.
Let's just forget about that, then.
Do you have an option in the contract?
- Of course we do. 1 8 months, l believe. - l suggest you exercise it now.
By the time Provocations debuts,
Ms Porter will have been wooed by every museum in the country.
Wow! That's interesting. You've fallen in love with a woman.
No, l don't know if it's love.
lt might be sort of like this fantastic sort of... demon possession sort of thing.
Oh, stop it. Don't look so shocked.
l'm not shocked. l'm surprised, l'm excited. lt's exotic and...
- Oh, shut up, you pervert. - A demon possession.
That's it. That's what you have to take and run with. When you write about...
- What's her name? - Marina.
When you write about Marina, you must dig, you must delve,
you must open up and eviscerate everything.
You do your best work when you lay bare your remarkable emotions.
(sighs)
(knock on door)
Coach! What a surprise.
l'm looking for Jenny. l bet you're gonna tell me she's not here.
She's not here.
We had dinner downstairs but she left 1 5 minutes ago.
- Come in and look. l'll get you a drink. - Absolutely.
(music, chatter)
- Bonjour. - Bonjour.
Do you have a minute for me?
- Of course. - Très bien.
You see those two girls? Give them this and tell them de la part de Marina.
Well, look at your beautiful dress.
- What can l get you? - Cut the bullshit, Nick.
Look... Jenny and l have a passionate relationship,
but currently it's purely intellectual. OK?
And, Coach...
Congratulations.
(breathes heavily)
Uh-oh.
Hey.
- Oh... - Oh.
Um... there's no time for pleasantries. Tim is outside by the bar.
- Oh, fuck! - No, it's crowded, he'll never see you.
You're welcome, by the way.
(reggae music)
Ah! Congratulations!
Baby girl!
- Who's here? - The usual suspects.
You look really good.
Hey, what did David have to say?
Oh, nothing. Nothing much.
- Kit. - Oh...
♪ And if you can find a way to be with me
♪ We'll light the skies with love ♪
- Just forms for a medical history. - But he wrote something on it.
He wrote you a letter on a Post-it?
''Dear Kit, l hope you are well.
l need some family medical history for my application to a residency programme.
l've enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope for the forms.
Grandfather tells me you are in a 1 2-step programme
and l want to offer you my support in that endeavour.
l wish you success. Your son, David Waters.'' l'm sorry.
Hey, l wasn't around to teach him how to write a letter.
♪ l wanna hold you in my arms ♪
- You're here. Hey! - Hey!
Go on. l'm OK. l'll be out there in a minute.
♪ You know l wanna keep you safe from harm
♪ To prove l really care ♪
- Brava! The conquering heroine! - Whoo!
- Yay! - Thank you.
Cheers, baby.
lt's just one sip. l'm so happy for you.
- For us. - For us.
♪ l'm gonna be the one to comfort you
♪ When times are hard ♪
''l'm Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit.''
(Jenny and Nick) So, what do you want to know about lies, my dear?
l'm not a liar. l try again to get up. This time l'm flayed, splayed.
- l feel myself screaming. - l'll tell you about lies.
There are white lies and black lies.
And many shades of grey lies. But some lies are justified,
lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity.
l haven't had a single bit of work done. How old d'you think l am?
Lies that spare pain.
35. Maybe 40.
Everybody's a liar, dear.
Look at that one. She's about to tell her lover something patently untrue.
Whatever had happened in that board meeting, we would have been fine.
Look at their gestures. They touch each other too intimately.
They avert their eyes and cover their mouths.
They lick their teeth and hold their chins.
They embellish their stories with far too much detail.
l was shooting with Truffaut and Anouk Aimée and l had this scene with her lover.
Anouk shows up on the set. But l don't care because l know exactly what l'm gonna do.
At the end of the scene l have my big close-up and everything happens.
The emotion comes up, l chase it away, l bring it back.
lt's rich, it's full, it's subtle.
At the end of the take, Truffaut says to Anouk, ''Zat is the way you should act.''
- Oh! - Can you imagine?
(keys tapping)
You're working.
Yeah. Nick was such a pompous ass, he ripped me to shreds.
- l don't like the sound of that. - No, it's good.
lt's good. l feel like... l'm onto something.
Right.
- Well, l'll leave you to it. - Tim...
Can you stay here with me?
(Leonard Cohen singing "My Secret Life")
♪ ln my secret life
♪ l saw you this morning
♪ You were moving so fast
♪ Can't seem to loosen my grip
♪ On the past
♪ And l miss you so much
♪ There's no one in sight
♪ And we're still making love
♪ Oh-oh oh
♪ ln my secret life
♪ l smile when l'm angry
♪ l cheat and l lie ♪